Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Greatest Job in the World

Members, as some of you know, I am in the process of furthering my education. I mention this not to brag, but only because I have made a disturbing discovery that may mean my years of hard work and study are wasted.

To set the scene, you should know that I am a humanities student, and that I make my living as an analyst in this area. It is also relevant to know a few other things. Firstly, that I’ve spent a lot of my spare time reading history, politics and even some political philosophy to further my knowledge and my career prospects even when there were better things to do. And secondly, that although I have always had a strong interest in the field, I know almost nothing of the empirical sciences.

I had delusions that all this extra work and effort would be intellectually stimulating, and that eventually I would reach a level were I was doing something important, influential or just generally cool. I even have fond (but unrealistic) daydreams of a Professorship at a highly distinguished University where I could advance my fondness for velvet elbow patches, tweed and passing on my private opinions as gospel to year after year of semi-educated undergraduates.

A recent discovery though has shaken these sentiments to the core. Perhaps a career in science would have been a better decision; where I could combine my work with my true passion for Whisky. Is there such a place? Could it be true?

Rest assured, such a paradise exists. The Scotch Whisky Research Institute is located in Edinburgh (of course) and specialises in such activities as analytical services (i.e. determining age, distillery, etc.) and sensory services (i.e. nosing, tasting, etc). In my mind I’m picturing lab coats, test tubes, Bunsen burners and crate after glorious crate of pure, free, single malt Scotch whisky just lying about waiting for someone to conduct some ‘research’?

The hell with curing disease, putting mankind on the moon and all that other mumbo jumbo. Here is really important research and I’m interested. Before you even think about trumping me, you should know that a copy of my resume has already been sent to their HR dept and I am keenly awaiting a response. Ill keep you posted.

Colonel-in-Chief,
D.T.W.C.